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You already know the moral of this story: Printing just doesn't work. If you're like me, you enjoy spending hours on so-called technical hotlines. After listening to the busy signal for two hours, you are very politely connected to an EXPERT. It turns out this expert is an expert for something totally unrelated to printing. After another two hours, you are allowed to answer questions such as: Is your printer connected to a source of electrical power? Is it switched on? Do you have a printer cable which connects the computer to the printer? Do you have paper in the printer? Do you have enough toner? Is the proper driver installed?

Your answer to all of these grueling questions is simply: IT WON'T PRINT! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

At this point, you should know that you can't print now and you never will be able to print. You see, the fact is nobody anywhere in the world can print, or ever has.

Several years ago, all of the computer manufacturing honchos got together at Bill Gates' appartment for a big, important meeting. Gates opened the gathering by warmly welcoming all the attendants, said he owns each and every one, and made an amazing proposal.

The participants spent all day discussing Bill Gates' proposal. In a word, Gates suggested that computers and printers be designed to make printing absolutely impossible. Everybody in the world would be affected equally.

In the end, Gates' idea was overwhelmingly approved. The consequences are staggering.

Not being able to print, people go out and buy ever bigger, ever more expensive printers and computers. - Hoping to EVENTUALLY be able to somehow print out something sometime.

The prices of printers actually drop, to keep frustrated consumers from giving up.

Now, if you think I am exaggerating, just ask yourself, Have I ever been able to print out anything? Do I KNOW anyone who ever has? Has anybody in the entire WORLD ever been able to print out anything?

The answer to these questions is clearly No. Take a poll. Go from door to door, and quiz your neighbors. The response will always be the same: "Well I tried to print. But after three hours on the hotline, I guess I need to buy a printer cable or something. The funny thing is I already have seven printer cables."

So take my advice: Give up trying to print. Do something sensible instead, such as smoking cigarettes.